The past 41 days

Not gonna mention any names and there are somethings that is too private so i can't mention them here. Sorry for the long post!

I guess this is gonna be a super wordy post. Haha but yep! Gonna start from June 27th. It was the worse day of my life because i finally ended a r/s that left me hanging on for so long. Okay, i admit i was being such an ass for crying so much and still not wanting to let go. I mean who doesn't right? I cried for so many days, lost my appetite for the whole of 3 weeks and had not been sleeping properly also. Yes, i was torturing myself. I kept blaming myself for the whole incident as to the reason of the split by what he had given was due to "i asked too many stupid questions and it made his feelings fade". Stupid excuse right? Oh well there was nothing i could do either. I just had to live with it. It was then i had a talk with my cousin, she encouraged me and told me to be strong and i could do it. So i tried. But it didn't really last. Two days later, i thought of him and i cried so hard that i went to drink 2 bottles of beer on an empty stomach. Terrible and stupid i know. Then i went to look for him, the same, i cried and begged him. But i knew that was the last time i had to see him and then i screwed the idea of hope that we could be back together. All of this was when i still loved him.

For the first two weeks...was really tough for me. There was twice when i swallowed many pills, wishing i could overdose and die when i fell asleep. But i couldn't do it. I couldn't take it anymore and often burst into tears when i thought of him. Thought of our memories together. It meant quite a lot. For once, i really loved someone this hard that i could sacriface almost everything for him. Only he mattered, nothing else. But i was wrong. I did the right thing for the wrong person. :)

Then slowly, things started to straighten my heart out and it took me such a long time to see who he really was. I was extremely disappointed that he was someone like this. I had so much faith in him, even as a friend. I trusted him to not be someone like this, or someone that i would hate so much now. I was very upset when i found out that he already had feelings for this other girl. At that point of time, i still loved him of course. Then when i heard of it, i cried. I cried so hard that i locked myself in the toilet and called him the very last time asking if it was true. I hung up, obviously my cries was too overwhelming. I called my girlfriend and she was there for me. She was pissed. I cried when i was telling her. I guess that was the time when she didn't know what to do but still nevertheless there for me. I didn't thank her on the call but deep down, i thanked God for her. I was so heartbroken that i wanted to end my life again. I actually held a knife with me in the toilet already but i had no guts to die because i was afraid to die. Many things flashed past me when i wanted to end it. I know its ridiculous but i actually pictured myself in my own funeral with so many people crying and being heartbroken. But i knew i had to stay strong, i knew i had to stand up once again to show people who loves me that i can do it.

So the next day, it was a beautiful saturday. The morning when i got up from bed, i felt so angry that i ranted it all out on twitter. I insulted the person who brought me so much pain. I hated him for making me so miserable. I was so pissed and cursed. Then an episode of twitter came on, his sister started to feel offended. Yeah i totally understand, who wouldn't feel offended when their own sibling is being insulted by someone? I had already unfollowed her by then, so a friend who became my very good friend now showed me all her tweets bout me. I was called names, like bitch/slut/small girl etc. She insulted my whole family too when i did not at all. The worst of all was when she took my v as a personal attack on me. She mentioned it on twitter. I mean who in the right mind would actually use someone's personal thing to tell the whole world? Obviously feeling bothered, i wanted to make his sis even more offended. I wanted to see her getting angry, then i would feel satisfied. So i went on and on with my nonsense rants on twitter bout him and his sis. It was never ending till a time where she had nothing to say about me anymore that was when i stopped too. This happened about one or two weeks ago.

And! I found out another thing last week was that i can already confirmed that he was with another girl. I had no feelings for him already by then. A friend lent me her acc so that i could go in and view. He blocked me off totally so i couldn't find his profile. But i wasn't stupid either. Actually i don't get why he blocked me off. Ridiculous. Well anyway, i saw their photos and he had an album called baby and me. I could see he was totally happy with her. I was upset. I wasn't sad at all. At that time, i just can't help but feel sorry for myself. I felt used. I felt taken for granted and my efforts in that whole time was wasted. My love for him so deep was really wasted. I was so angry that he could be so happy again and had me forgotten. I just feel so unfair, i called a friend of mine and i told her. Practically i complained, i was this close to sobbing. I got so agitated, mad pissed and i cried. Can anybody imagine how miserable i was? I was so upset that i really sweared upon my life never to get hurt again. I was so angry that i literally said that i wanted to have him killed even if i was taken behind bars. I really don't mind the death sentence to have him killed. This was how much i hated him. Anyway before this, i also found out another thing from another good friend of mine. I was disappointed. It just upsets me that i met somebody like this and i couldn't believe that i gave my 100% in this. In the end, i got nothing in return. Hatred is what i have. To add on, i texted him on that day to confront him bout the thing i've found out. He totally pushed the blame off and denied everything. Can't believe it and we were quarreling on the phone. But at the end of the day, i told him to treat her better and i wished them both happiness.

Yeap sorry there's more. A few days ago, i found out that his new gf has been stalking my twitter. She was looking at my tweets and i think she had been doing that for a day or two. Then she was mentioning on her twitter that there's a bitch who still does not want to let her ex bf go. And obviously she was referring to me, it didn't occur to her that i could find her twitter too. She's in denial that i'm still in love with him and wants to have him back. She even said that he didn't love me but loved her instead and yet i'm so thick skinned to even want him back. Oh really? Which of my tweets told u so? Can't u read? I'm living so fine. So when i saw those tweets and obviously knowing that she was still stalking my twitter. I decided to tweet indirect stuffs to her. Hahahaha and yes she saw it and she felt offended. There goes the second episode of war on twitter. She had her friends, i had mine. It was really stupid. I was absolutely stunned when a number i didn't want to see appeared on my phone. He called. Why should i pick up? Listen to all ur bullshits and acting like a gangster epic shit again? Oh god i guess u're only good with that huh. So well, everything kinda stopped also. I really don't know what she is afraid of lol. She went on to lock her twitter. Stupid or what? Seriously. Her friend even had the guts to @ mention me on twitter but till now there's no reply from them. I guess they didn't want entertainment already HAHA. Its so stupid when people say "i can't be bothered" but still continue bullshitting bout the same old thing. Ironic. Oh well, since they stopped then i should stop too. Let's just wait and see okay?

For this whole twitter thing, i'm actually not blaming his sister or his new gf. I'm wondering why isn't he man enough to stop all of this. My ex isn't that a bad person anyway. He has his good sides. I just didn't think that he would disappoint me so much that i don't even know who he was anymore. It's just shocking that someone once so close did this. I don't need anybody to side me cos i know this is my story. He has his, i have mine. To be honest, i was very serious bout having him as a bf or future spouse. But yeah i couldn't predict what would happen. In the past, i know we weren't compatible. I was much bigger and taller then he was. But still he accepted me, ok maybe i don't know what he could have told others about me. I thanked God for him because he was the first one who made me felt special. Although there was good and bad times, i still gave thanks. He was the first ever ex bf i brought home to introduce to my parents and whole family. This was how much i loved him. Haha but now... Thanks. I really wish the both of u happiness. I want everything to stop. U live ur life, i live mine. U're happy, i'm happy too.

I'm fine and i'm going stronger each day. My heart's healing slowly. I'm so lucky to have friends and family. I had their encouragement and no doubt, their love melted me even though i changed to become such a terrible person.

I wanna give thanks to these people below:
Shiyun,
She was there for the whole of everything. Love her to bits!

Christina,
She was there when i almost gave up when they were bitching bout me. She's so cute lor! Funny in everyway. The way she insulted is really hilarious.

Gillian and Ah bee,
Thank my cousins too! Cos they were always ready to go when i needed them. One brought me drinking and the other encouraged me a lot.


OKAY I'M SO SORRY!!! READ IF U WANT. DON'T WANT ITS OKAY. DON'T COS ITS TOO LONG I KNOW.