BOOO

Hello! Back here to update my current 'affairs'. This will be a super wordy post... very sorry! Life is the same actually. I have the whole of this week to rest and then back again on the next monday for my next paper. Then everything will be over!!! My retakes will be freaking over! So darn happy. I have to just sit through an hour of the next mcq paper and i'm done. I will start my holidays and get myself a job... which i already have. Starting on the 19th of december till the 15th of january. Money gonna be rolling in soon!

Realized i have not been smiling and laughing as often as how i usually do. I have always been the cheerful Rachel. I can laugh at anything or things that might not be funny at all. Just recently i don't think i can do it. And yes, i always put up a strong front. To be honest, i struggle at times. I show that i am strong but who actually knows how weak i am on the inside? I mean nobody knows. I don't handle hard situations mature enough. After telling the whole incident to my cousin, her words really struck me. I kept quiet because i was actually silently agreeing to what she had told me. She said i don't know how to think, i handled that incident like a little girl. True enough i did. But i don't feel shameless or whatever because it depends on how a person see things. How a person feels. How a person thinks. How much a person can handle it. She can say it with so much confidence because she learnt her lesson from the first. She once told me, if the guys hesistates... tell him either he chooses me or fuck off. But i can't just say it like this because i'm not someone like this. I stick to that person once i like him. I don't just move on like that. It takes a lot of time for me.

Yes i cry like a baby whenever i'm sad or angry. I cry whenever i get hurt by the people or the guy i love. So? I tweet and rant emo things on twitter whenever i feel sad. And yes i have suicidal thoughts every time i feel sad or when i feel that there's no one there for me. What can i do? I had many friends in the past who can help in cheering me up but after doing my retakes this year, there's nobody. Only a few who i am very close with now. I have a very good friend and she has been my best friend for almost 5 years. I love her to bits because i click with her and we talk almost about everything. (Sy!!! Sorry but haha i really wanna tell you how i feel but i don't know how... I know you read my blog anyway so ya, READ IT) But! The thing i hate most about her is always reminding me about things that i already know. For example my dog. Ya i know she is very annoying cos she barks whenever stranger comes to my house. But what can i do? I have already admit that i didn't train her when she was a little puppy. And for her breed, its totally normal. Her breed belongs to the aggressive group too. And sometimes i refrain from trying to tell her how sad i was whenever i encounter problems. For example the guy i like now. Sy darling, to be honest with you... I just want you to listen. I really wanna share things with you. I have so many things to share with you but sometimes you annoy me whenever i keep telling you things about the guy i like and then say things like he is stupid or something like that. Yes i know, i know that guys like him is not worth it but i like him... I have feelings too you know.

Whenever i fall in love, i fall fast and hard. Seriously very fast, that's why given my character... i get hurt very easily too. I had my heart broken two times in a year. For the first, i have no regrets because i know that i did my best. For the second, i don't regret also because i know i tried my hardest. I have to learn to look at things differently and not make the same mistakes. Basically, feelings nor love can be forced. I love him but he doesn't. Its really difficult for me to move on but i know that i can. Its hard but i will try. Its obvious that i deserve someone better. I have to handle things in a much more matured way. I'm hitting 18 soon, i have to change. I met this person, A after ending a r/s with B. I don't say he's the one because i never know. Yes my feelings for him are strong and i fell damn fast. I liked him after only knowing him for two to three weeks. Many things happened in between. But still i stuck to him, i just didn't give up. Then soon, my feelings changed to love and then things had to change. He's just not ready and he has many more important things to do then having a girlfriend which might only add on to his everyday stress. Its just sad cos he can actually come up with so many reasons not to go after me. Maybe i'm just not his type nor are we compatible. I think we can only stay as good friends. I didn't know why i cried so much anyway. It really wasn't worth. Just remember, you chose to let me go. I held on no matter what. Don't regret and say that you should have chosen me when the next girl leaves you. I cherished but you didn't appreciate. I loved you and I tried my best in every way that I could to prove to you but you still push me away. And that's too bad. :)

Now i just wanna change what i am normally doing by slowly trying. Keep my options open but i will never ever make anybody an option. Because that is what i don't want to be also. I hate being someone's option. If you like me then make your choice at the beginning and please do not regret it. If you don't wanna lead anybody on, then in the first place don't start anything. Nobody gets hurt in the end right? If you don't wanna make somebody wait for too long, don't give that person so much hope in the first place. Am i right?


Okay i'm done hehe. So sorry for the super wordy post. Just got back home after a long day at Ian's place. Spent the whole day watching The Oath. It was very addicting!!! Wanted to head home after a show that ended at 12 but a new episode of it came out at 12 am. So i stayed a little longer just to watch it HAHAHA. I still don't feel tired..... Hmm but guess i'll be heading to my bed and watch RM on my iPhone!!! Goodnight!